Poly as "the relationship status of a totally fabulous future"... And from long-timers, warning signs.

Ever more articles and postings are calling polyamory an emerging relationship model of the future, or even America's next romantic revolution. As someone who dreamed for decades of moving the poly-awareness bandwagon so much as an inch, I find this enormously heartening. Within our lifetime I think we may see a Mission Accomplished, at least for my own personal mission: helping make the world aware that successful multi-loving relationships, families, and networks even exist, and that this life can be a surprisingly realistic option for some people who come with the right motivations, attitudes, and values, especially if they learn the skills and best practices that the poly world has accumulated from hard experience.

But as I've also warned, when any small, specialty niche thing starts to become cool and widely popular it moves downmarket where it can turn ugly and start to stink. More on that in a bit.

First, some recent, diverse straws in the wind.

This article appeared at Dazed & Confused magazine, "at the forefront of youth culture, defining the times" for a claimed 550,000 readers:

Polyamory is the new monogamy

Why loving lots of people at once is the #relationshipstatus of a totally fabulous future

By Pinar & Viola

Every year, we, Pinar&Viola ["Dutch artists and brand creatives"], launch a... collection inspired by the desires of that year that also reflects the trends and cravings for the year to come. The subject of each collection is kept secret till the last moment, yet we'd like to make an exception this year for the Sex issue of Dazed & Confused. Recently, we were introduced to something which we believe is in the the air; it's not even avant-garde yet, but we believe it will rise in five years' time, and be accepted by openminded people in about ten years.

This new fascination is polyamory, the philosophy and practice of loving more than one person. Our contemporary-culture scanner instincts tell us that polyamory will be the next sexual liberation and sensual sensation. The collective, deep, committed, long-term loving relationship is slowly rising up from the underground, emboldened by the success of gay marriage.

...It's an ideology [for] people who would like to love more than one person in a way that is sexual, emotional, spiritual or any combination thereof. Bien sûr, this multi-love setting is a game changer for the mono-love deal referred to as "monogamy". Yet when you think about it, why is it perfectly fine for us to have sex with multiple people but the setup becomes creepy when it's about loving multiple people. Weird. IKR!

...Polyamory is like welcoming a new friend in your circle. You don't think who you should drop when you have a new friend. It's the introduction of honest, larger-group dynamics into what we define as a love couple....

...Judith Butler gives good insight in her interview over gender trouble, and makes a prediction on the future uncrowning of monogamy. It's obvious that the idea of leaving monogamy behind will scare people, shake them up and make them question their world-view. Now let's begin....

Read the whole article, with its sometimes fractured Dutch English (May 11, 2013).

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In a very different context, the website of a church-based health-care network in Nebraska offers this informative briefing in the Sexual Medicine section of its website for the public:

Polyamorous relationships becoming more mainstream

By Brier Jirka, Sex Therapist

Polyamorous relationships. What are they? Who do they involve? Are they common?

Research says that as many as 5 percent of Americans are currently in polyamorous relationships, or consensual non-monogamy — which involves permission to go outside of the relationship for romance or sex.

This population has been around for a long time, but it’s just now popping up in mainstream culture as society becomes more accepting of alternative lifestyles....

...These relationships can be hard to define because each has its own set of rules, boundaries and structure set by the various people involved. Keep in mind these people can be any number of sexual orientations — heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or transgender.

Poly relationships are not to be confused with bigamy (marriage to more than one person, which is illegal), “wife swapping” or “swinging” — which are usually based on sexual activity... there is an emphasis on the emotional relationship, as opposed to just sexual pleasure. Communication is what makes poly relationships stable. The focus should be on honesty and a basic set of rules....

See the whole article (June 4, 2013). It goes on to quote at length Stephanie Pappas's excellent LiveScience article, "5 Myths About Polyamory", which was also published on the Scientific American site and elsewhere.

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In yet another context: a columnist in the Colorado gay magazine Out Front writes,

‘Monogamish’ and the gray area between monogamy and polyamory

By Lauren Archuletta

...Is monogamy going out of style? Maybe it is to an extent. But maybe there are just many more legitimate options now, which we’re more open to talk about as parts of human nature, relationships and curiosity....

The whole article (June 5, 2013).

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And maybe you remember "In our progressive, forward-thinking college town it’s becoming almost a faux pas to be monogamous", from a Western Massachusetts alternative paper.

And "Polyamory is Boring as, in some places, it becomes normal".

And Laci Green, the popular young sex-ed vlogger, saying "Polyamory is quickly becoming this generation's sexual revolution".

And there was that episode of Fox's New Girl sitcom in which Schmidt, a 30ish Gen Y-er, thinks he's getting old and un-cool. To dramatize this, the screenwriter has four hip, cool Millennials move in across the hall. Schmidt laments, "They’re the future of humanity! A pan-ethnic, pansexual hive mind and they want nothing to do with me!" His roommates try to explain: "Brory, Sutton, and Fife are in a triad, and Chaz is a floater." Schmidt wails, "They’re polyamorous?! Dammit!", feeling even older and more out of it.

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All good, right?

Well, anything is likely to go bad if it becomes too cool too fast, says my glum conservative side. As I was putting together the stuff above, other straws in the wind appeared on the Polyfamilies Yahoo list (an old favorite of mine, with its sharp minds and ascerbic bullshit-killers). There, longtime poly advice writers Franklin Veaux and Goddess of Java (the Polyamorous Misanthrope) shared an ominous observation. Quotes are by permission. Franklin:

I get a lot of email from my poly website. About two or three times a week, I'll get requests for advice, almost always from folks who are new to polyamory. I try to answer all of these....

In the past six months or so, the nature of many of these emails has changed. I call them Sudden Left Turn emails.

They start out ordinary enough — someone says they're in a poly relationship, they describe a bit about the relationship, they start to talk about the problem they want advice with. And then the email takes a sudden left turn into horror, with some situation that totally blows my mind.

A couple of weeks ago a woman wrote who's in her first poly relationship, partnered with another woman who has a long-term boyfriend. It was ordinary enough; the existing couple has a rule that the woman's girlfriend is forbidden to spend the night with the woman, and that was something that bothered her… and then she said "Oh, yeah, my girlfriend and her partner have decided they want me to have her boyfriend's baby. They told me about this last night."

Or another email I received yesterday from a woman who's been in a monogamous relationship for years, and then her partner told her that he wants to explore polyamory, and he'd like to start dating another woman he's become close to… and then she added that he thinks if he has other partners, she should have other partners too, but he doesn't want her dating any other men, only women. Catch is, she's straight, so he told her that if poly is to work, she has to become bisexual.

Almost always, these emails end with "I've never been poly before, is this how all poly relationships are?"

I'm not sure what's going on.... Is it the inevitable consequence of polyamory becoming more visible in the public sphere? I mean, who tells a partner "By the way, we've decided you have to have this guy's baby," or "By the way, you have to become bisexual now"? I really feel bad for the people in these situations, being asked to do things that are so far outside the bounds of reason that you can't even see reasonableness from where they are without a telescope…and I'm starting to see a LOT of emails like this.

...I definitely think that poly being in the public eye has opened it up to more people, some of whom are doing it more or less badly (and/or without adequate basic relationship skills). I have noticed an uptick in the visible "poly means I get to do whatever I want" contingent lately, too.

To which Noel replied,

I've been getting them. I went off on this ranty tear in some recent Misanthrope articles about treating people as things and asking where the fuck the love was, in reaction to the same shit. I've been getting them at least that long. I haven't answered an email in the blog in several months because some of 'em made me cry
in pity and frustration, and I just didn't want to plow through it to answer.

...I think there is this idea that if poly is an option, the newly poly can start ordering their partners to put up with some heinous shit. They're missing the important part: ***LOVE***.

So please, people — to repeat a speech I delivered five years ago:

People who push for years to get a bandwagon rolling are usually unprepared for what to do when the bandwagon finally starts to move.... Unless the people with the original vision stop just shoving the rear bumper and run up and grab the steering wheel, pretty soon the bandwagon outruns them and leaves them behind. And their elation turns to horror as they watch it careen downhill out of control, in disastrous unintended directions. And then it wrecks itself spectacularly in a ditch. Survivors loot the wreckage and disappear, and onlookers nod their heads knowingly and say they saw it coming all along.

Think of what happened to the psychedelic drug movement a generation ago....

So maybe it’s time for us to pay less attention to just pushing the polyamory-awareness movement, and more to steering it. As it gains momentum, we should, in my opinion, be taking every opportunity to:

1. Keep stressing that successful polyamory requires high standards of communication, ethics, integrity, generosity, and concern for every person affected;

2. Emphasize that poly is not for everyone, and that monogamy is right and best for many;

3. Insist on the part of the definition that stresses respect for everyone and the "full knowledge and consent of all involved";

4. Expand that to not just "knowledge and consent," but well-wishing and good intention for all involved. The defining aspect of polyamory, I'm convinced — the thing that sets it apart and makes it powerful and radical and transformative — is in seeing one's metamours not as rivals to be resented, or even as neutral figures to be tolerated, but as, at minimum, friends or acquaintances for whom you genuinely wish good things. And beyond that, of course, there's no limit to how close you can become. This is what differentiates poly from merely having affairs. In this way it becomes a generalization of the magic of romantic love — into something wider, and more widely applicable, than the dominant paradigm of a couple carefully walling away their particular love from anything to do with the rest of humanity.

And, 5. Warn people that, while poly can open extraordinary new worlds of joy and wonder and may help to humanize the world, its benefits must be earned: through courage, hard relationship-honesty work, ruthless self-examination, tough personal growth, and a quick readiness to (as they say in the Marines) "choose the difficult right over the easy wrong."

Please — with the bandwagon now moving, let's not let it run away from us in the next few years to the point that "polyamory" goes mass-market as something careless or trivial, or less than what we know it to be.

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"The case for polyamory. And while we’re at it, let’s privatize marriage."

Slate


My friend Richard Gilmore is the leadoff character in this article that just went up on Slate.

Richard and a partner, by the way, are writing a book on forming line families: the Heinlein-inspired model of a multigenerational group marriage that can, in principle, last for centuries — with new people marrying in as the old die out.

Marry Me. And Me.

The case for polyamory. And while we’re at it, let’s privatize marriage.

Polyamorists engage in “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.” (Photo by Mark Bowden/Thinkstock)

By Jillian Keenan

Twelve years ago, Richard Gilmore walked into a party and laid eyes on Vicki for the first time. It was like a scene from a 1940s Hollywood romance.

“If you were to film it, it would be so sappy and saccharine, you wouldn’t believe it,” recalled Richard, now 60. “There was a crowd of people, but all I could see was her.” Vicki, now 63, noticed Richard too, and began to stare back. The chemistry between them was immediate and irresistible. They say it was love at first sight.

“Oh my God,” Richard thought at the time. “It really happens.”

But this is where the old Hollywood romance ends and another kind of love story begins. A few weeks later, after her magical first date with Richard, Vicki went home — to Jim, her husband of almost 20 years. “Why didn’t you want to come with us tonight?” Vicki asked Jim, after she told him all about the date. “I wanted you to have a chance to get to know Richard one-on-one,” Jim told her.

“Wasn’t that cool of him?” Richard recalled.

So as Richard and Vicki started dating, Jim and Vicki happily continued their marriage. Nine months later, Jim met a woman named Maria. Jim and Maria began to date, and then Richard and Maria started dating, too. Finally, in 2002, as the group of four piled on coats and scarves to go out one chilly evening, Richard stopped at the door and looked back at everyone.

“We’re really a family now, aren’t we?” he asked. They were — and they have been ever since.

...And despite the stereotype of polyamorists as sexual anarchists who wouldn’t be interested in legal marriage anyway, Robyn Trask, the executive director of polyamory support organization Loving More, said the group’s forthcoming survey found that 65 percent of poly families would choose to legalize their unions if they could, and an additional 20 percent would at least consider the option if it were available.

But seriously — is legal recognition of plural marriage just too complicated to ever be realistic?...

So let’s start with the fundamental question: What is marriage — and what do we want it to be? Is marriage a government program, meant to incentivize certain social goods? Is it a religious institution that should be separated from the state entirely? Is it a personal romantic choice?

In response to these questions, an alternative suggestion has emerged from an unlikely alliance between the far right and far left: Why not take the government out of marriage entirely? The list of people who have called for marriage privatization is long....

And they make a compelling case....

“I’m not his dad, I’m his Artie,” said Arthur, a 32-year-old polyamorist who has lived with his girlfriend, her husband, and their son for the past eight years. “But from the outside, you wouldn’t see a difference. When he was born, all three of us were there. When he cries in the middle of the night, all three of us are there. We’re as much of a family as anyone, just without the legal status.”

In either a public or private marital system, extending marriage access to plural families would obviously be very complicated. Why should we even care? Polyamorists are a minority, and they, unlike same-sex couples, arguably choose their lifestyle. It’s easy to ignore or marginalize them. But their families raise fundamental questions about how our government interacts with our sexual and romantic lives....

Read the whole article (June 13, 2013). Comments are flooding in.

Update June 15: The article has been getting reprinted in a lot of places, including in the major news-roundup magazine The Week. (June 13, 2013).

Another article on poly and the idea of separating civil and religious marriage, by Martin Hine, appeared in The Chattanoogan in Tennessee, and an expanded version is printed at ModernPoly.com: Straight, Gay, or Poly - Should Government be in the marriage business?

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"How polyamory is saving some couples"

Calgary Herald, Edmonton Journal, maybe others


Maybe I'm grumpy today, but I've got a bunch of problems with this nice, well-meaning article:

Let's start with the headline.

1) "Marriage in trouble? Add more people!" is an eyeroll snark in the poly world. (It's even a Poly Bingo square.) Yes it occasionally works — maybe in an otherwise good, companionable marriage where one person has strong special desires, or sexual dislikes or inabilities. (As a friend of mine in a 16-year triad says, "Some people get into poly so they can have more sex. Some get into poly so they can have less sex.") But more often, the add-more-people cure for a troubled marriage bombs spectacularly.

The newspaper writer might have done a little more research and said, "The standard advice you hear in the polyamory world is to get your present relationship into excellent condition before even thinking of opening it."

2) Even if the poly cure works for a couple, what about the third party? If it's about saving the couple, is the third just some kind of kleenex to come into? Some secondaries seek out the role because it fits their life they way they want it: as a solopoly free agent. Many don't. Either way, secondaries have feelings too.

Unicorn's Dilemma, by Kimchi Cuddles (used with permission).

3) All of this exposes issues of couple privilege and polynormativity that most readers of the Calgary Herald and Edmonton Journal (in Canada's red provinces) probably haven't seen discussed much.

But on with the story:

Modern love: How polyamory is saving some couples

Going outside of a monogamous relationship is far from the norm, but experts says such arrangements can work if everyone involved is committed and communication is kept up.

By Shani Krammer, for the Calgary Herald

Two years into their marriage, David and Alyssa were struggling with their sex life. Alyssa felt unsatisfied and David felt he couldn’t meet her needs. Rather than break up, however, the couple decided that Alyssa would start having sex with other men.

That was six years ago. The couple, whose names have been changed in this story to protect their privacy, says their new arrangement may seem strange, but it works for both of them. Alyssa’s sexual needs are fulfilled, and David says he finds it sexy to think about his wife with other men.

“We keep things creative and we’re always trying new things,” he says. “Alyssa wants to push it further to see what happens. A lot of people just do the same things (sexually) over and over and it gets boring.”

This kind of relationship, sometimes called polyamorous, is far from the norm, but relationship experts says such arrangements can work if everyone involved is committed and communication is kept up. Those involved say their lives are proof that not everyone needs to adhere to society’s traditional approach to monogamy to be in a happy relationship.

David says he and Alyssa’s relationship takes jealousy and conservatism out of the equation. He knows this might seem strange to an outsider, but he and his wife are happy with their current agreement.

“We talk about things we want to do beforehand, and question it, and try things out to see what the person likes, and then we do it,” he says. “Our relationship is messed up in comparison to what other people do, but we’re happy. To me it’s fine.”

...“We are monogamous as far as the relationship is concerned,” David says. “She’s only having sex … She doesn’t have relationships with other guys, it’s just sex.”

4) So, that means their marriage is "open" rather than "polyamorous." Sex on the side with touch of cuck, rather than multiple love relationships. I wish sloppy journalists wouldn't gum up our defining word! Two OKCupid commenters nailed it a few days ago. Said one:

Open = can fuck outside of relationship.
Polyamorous = multiple people inside of relationship.

To which another added,

"Or deep relationships with multiple people. Someone can have a deep and intimate relationship where their other partners are not really involved." Journalists please take note.

5) Anyone who says out loud that jealousy is "out of the equation" steps into the crosshairs of the Karma Fairy's bombsight. I say this as a low-jealousy person who didn't get whammed with it until 13 years into my poly life.

...Kate Nielson, a Registered Psychologist at the private practice of the Family Psychology Centre, says society has slowly begun to embrace what she refers to as “alternative relationship styles.” Some spouses she has encountered are bisexual and they allow one another to have sex with both genders, while some couples agree to allow sexual relationships with others.

While some of these relationships work, they take constant work to maintain, she says — it isn’t two people working on a relationship, it is two people working on multiple relationships.

...She says that, to be polyamorous, there must be ample communication, and both spouses have to agree on the openness of the relationship.

...She says that monogamy and polyamory are both valid relationships styles, but it takes a lot of communication to figure out which style works the best. In polyamory, she says both members must agree on the terms and rules; for instance, there is full disclosure of all extramarital sex, and the who, the when and the where of these encounters. These types of couples have a sense of openness and honesty, so they don’t consider it cheating.

...Noel Biderman, CEO of Avid Life Media, the founder of the website Ashley Madison, a dating site for people looking for extramarital affairs, says the success of the site shows that cheating is more natural for people than society has traditionally allowed.

Biderman founded his website on the principle that humans are not naturally monogamous. He says that, based on research done by his company, married people are more comfortable lying to their spouse and keeping extramarital sex a secret, and he doesn’t think polyamory is a realistic idea.

“About one to two per cent of people (surveyed) were into the polyamory,” he says. The rest of them said they were more comfortable cheating without consent, because there was less likelihood of judgment or possessiveness on the part of their spouse.

Biderman says that sometimes experimenting with new lovers illicitly can rekindle the original love within a relationship, and actually cause people to appreciate their souse even more.

“The majority of marriages survive infidelity,” Noel Biderman says. “There’s this myth that you should pick up and leave.”

Psychologist Kate Nielsen, however, says that, given the choice, polyamory is a better option than cheating because it promotes honesty.

“There is always the possibility that cheating could bring a couple closer together, but usually that’s an exception. Usually, that trust is broken (when a spouse cheats). It can be very hard to regain trust once it’s been broken,” Nielsen says....

Read the whole article (June 7, 2013).

Later.... by Kimchi Cuddles (used with permission).

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Showtime's "Polyamory": Rerun of Season 1, then a new Season 2

Showtime network

    Trailer for Season 1, Episode 1

Last summer's breakthrough reality series Polyamory: Married & Dating will rerun on the Showtime network starting Thursday night, June 27th, at 11 p.m. Eastern time. At least five of the seven episodes will appear weekly late at night; see schedule. In addition, Showtime subscribers can now watch all seven episodes online anytime.

Season 2 is in the works, as we announced last January. No word on when it will air, but it won't be until after the summer rerun is over. Nor do we have word on who's going to be in it — everyone's mum until the official announcement. But there will be new people, and it's a reasonable guess that we'll at least see some followup on people from Season 1.

The series was controversial in the poly community, especially for the brief sex and nudity in most episodes. I thought this was handled tastefully and shown as what it was: a normal, significant part of the relationships among the featured quad and triad. Ditto the human imperfections in some of the relationships. Producer/director Natalia Garcia is passionate about showing the concepts of modern polyamory for what we know them to be. She also searched hard for a more diverse cast for Season 2, though I don't know whether she succeeded. The show certainly boosted Google searches for the word "polyamory" (and hits to this site) and familiarized a lot of people with a once-unimaginable concept.

One little leak: I was asked to sign a release allowing Showtime to display pages from this website. Apparently the Season 2 cast reads it!

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"Polyamorists strive for future legal recognition as national convention wraps up"

The Canadian Press (press service)

This banner appeared in a Pride parade in Canada a few years ago, but the CTV News website uses it this morning to illustrate its coverage of PolyCon. (Photo by Ivo Beitsma)

Here's Monday morning's media coverage of PolyCon (#polyconvan), which just ended in Vancouver.

Get in there early with the comments, folks. And check back here for any further updates.

Polyamorists strive for future legal recognition as national convention wraps up

By Vivian Luk, The Canadian Press

VANCOUVER - While Canada's polyamorists — people with multiple partners outside a religious context — do not face criminalization as do polygamists, it is not enough for them to be considered "just not illegal," they said on Sunday.

As the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association wrapped up its three-day convention, the first of its kind to be held in Canada, the association's director and conference chairwoman Zoe Duff said polyamorists hope to one day gain the same legal recognition as other couples.

"It would be nice...to have households where our spouses are equal under the law, and moving forward in terms of pensions, and inheritances and property division," she said.

...Polyamory came to the forefront in 2011, when B.C. Supreme Court upheld Canada's polygamy law after the province launched a constitutional reference case to clarify the law.... The Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association was an intervenor in the 2011 case, and saw the B.C. Supreme Court decision as a victory because the decision also concluded that anti-polygamy laws shouldn't apply to polyamorous couples unless they decide to get married.

Duff said the judge was unclear on what he meant with regards to marriage, however she added that striving for that clarity, and eventually for legal status, won't be happening anytime soon. For the time being, the polyamorous community is focusing on raising awareness about the movement, connecting people within the community with each other, and providing people with resources such as legal advice or counselling.

The three-day convention, called "Claiming our Right to Love," included workshops on how to deal with jealousy within a polyamorist relationship, how family laws affect polyamorist households, and how newcomers to existing polyamorist relationships can be treated ethically.

Tiffany Sostar, a Calgary-based student activist and panelist at the convention, said consensual, non-monogamous relationships have been happening for many years. However, polyamory has gained more public profile recently, and Sostar said the practice is becoming more acceptable within mainstream society.

Last year, Sostar brought home two partners to her family's Easter Dinner, explaining to her mother that she believes polyamory is an ethical alternative to monogamy, and that she loves multiple people.

"Even though she struggled with it, she handled it quite well," said Sostar. "She said, 'I don't understand, but I don't understand a lot of things that you do and I still love you.' "

Still, Sostar says there are those who are not so accepting, and who can only equate having multiple partners with cheating.

"Probably the most negative response I got was when someone said that when they think of that type of person, they think of cesspools of disease, which was pretty awful," said Sostar. "And actually, I think it was grossly misinformed since the poly community tends to talk quite openly about safer sex practices and risk management."

Here's the whole article as it appears at the Winnipeg Free Press site (June 2, 2013).

The article also appears on the sites of CTV News, Macleans (prominent national news magazine), Yahoo News, CBC News British Columbia, MSN Canada, HuffPost British Columbia, The Tyee, and probably elsewhere.

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P.S.: Don't forget — 15 other poly conferences, retreats, campouts, and other regional/national gatherings for the coming year are listed at ALAN'S LIST of POLYAMORY EVENTS, with detailed descriptions. Pass it on.

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"Love as a many-partnered thing. First polyamory convention in Canada celebrates emerging relationship trend."

The Province (Vancouver)

Jen Day, left, and Pepper Mint, a polyamorous couple from San Francisco, spoke about their relationship at Polycon - Claiming Our Right To Love, in Vancouver. (Photo: Arlen Redekop/ PNG/ Sunday Province)

Here's more from PolyCon (#Polyconvan) now underway in Vancouver, courtesy again of the daily tabloid paper The Province. The story is in this morning's Sunday edition, awaiting folks as they wake up, and is by a new writer now. It profiles longtime alt-sex community organizers Pepper and Jen from the San Francisco Bay Area.

Love as a many-partnered thing

First polyamory convention in Canada celebrates emerging relationship trend

By Thandi Fletcher

When Jen Day wants to take in an evening of high culture, she doesn't ask her live-in boyfriend to go with her.

Although she has been dating Pepper Mint (yes, that is his real name) for 10 years, and they recently bought a house together, Day would rather go with one of her other three boyfriends.

"Pep isn't a big fan of opera or ballet, so I have somebody who I go do those things with," said the 34-year-old.

The San Francisco couple practise polyamory, an emerging trend of multi-partner relationships.

The two spoke about their lifestyle choice at Polycon — Claiming our Right to Love. The weekend convention at the Robson Square campus of the University of B.C. in downtown Vancouver saw almost 80 attendees on Friday and another 100 Saturday.

Hosted by the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association, organizer Zoe Duff said the event — the first polyamory convention to be held in Canada — was a celebration of sorts.

Although the Supreme Court of Canada upheld the law against polygamy in 2011, it didn't put an end to informal sexual arrangements. The polyamory community, which views itself as completely different from polygamists, saw the legal clarification as a victory, said Duff.

...Day currently has four boyfriends, an unusually steep number for her. Her "poly number" - the preferred number of partners she likes to date at any given time — is two.... "I'm having a more playful year," she said. "I'm kind of going out of my way to have a bigger number just for a little while."

Outside of his relationship with Day, Mint, 38, has two serious girlfriends whom he has dated for five years each. He also occasionally takes on casual lovers, the number of which can fluctuate, he said.

Adding a layer of complexity, each of their partners are also dating other partners. At one time, Day and Mint, a bisexual, even dated the same man.

Although the couple are aware their lifestyle choice may seem complicated to outsiders, Mint and Day are adamant they rarely deal with issues such as jealousy.

They have met each other's partners, and Day is even in a book club with one of Mint's girlfriends, Julie.

"Part of it is realizing that there are things that he is getting from his other partners that are very important and make me very happy that he's getting them there," said Day.

...Communication, honesty and a basic set of rules make their relationship work, they said. When one of them starts a new relationship, Mint said it's important all other partners are informed as soon as possible.

With so many partners to please, Mint said simply finding the time to see everyone is a major logistical challenge. "You learn to have a strong emotional connection on a low time commitment," he said.

While the relationships are hard work to maintain, Day said their lifestyle does offer unique benefits. When she's going through a tough breakup, for example, she said she gets to vent to her other boyfriend....

tfletcher@theprovince.com

Read the whole article (June 2, 2013), and go establish some good comment threads.

The writer tweeted yesterday, "Today I covered Polycon, Vancouver's polyamory convention. It was an eye-opening experience to say the least."

The article first appeared on the paper's website yesterday evening under the headline Polyamory: Keys to multiple relationships are honesty, communication and some basic rules. It also appears on the site of the Calgary Herald today under that title.

As for the conference itself — word is that Samantha Fraser brought down the house with her Friday night keynote talk. Co-organizer Zoe Duff posts, "Great turnout for PolyCon!! Lots of intense discussions and terrific networking. Final session tomorrow [Sunday] afternoon is the only one NOT sold out. $10 at the door from 2:30 p.m., UBC Robson Square. An amazing weekend thanks to an awesome team of voluntolds."

More to follow, I'm sure.

P.S.: Want to know about all 15 other poly conferences, retreats, campouts, and other regional/national gatherings for the coming year? Then you want ALAN'S LIST of POLYAMORY EVENTS, with detailed descriptions. Pass it on.

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"Canada’s ‘polyamory’ community to descend on Vancouver for convention"

The Province (Vancouver)

Canada's first PolyCon starts this evening (Friday) in Vancouver — and today, people walking by newsboxes and checkout counters all across British Columbia are probably doing double-takes at this family portrait of PolyCon organizer Zoe Duff and her two longterm guys.

Tickets for PolyCon were nearly sold out as of two days ago, says Zoe. I hope the organizers are requiring good boundary agreements from reporters who want to attend. The PostMedia newspaper chain sure is taking an interest. Its flagship paper, the National Post, published the previous two articles that I excerpted here. The Province is part of that chain.

The article itself seems factual and basically correct. The paper, though downmarket, seems to be old-school about separating news and editorializing.

The article's original headline when it went up on the paper's site last night was Three’s not a crowd: Canada’s ‘polyamory’ community to descend on Vancouver for convention. Under that headline it became the second most-read story on the site. This morning it was reposted online under the headline below.

Group seeks the 'right to love'

Vancouver convention focuses on culture of multi-partner relationships

By Ian Austin

Samantha Fraser calls herself a poly advocate.

That's short form for promoter of polyamory — an emerging trend of multi-partner relationships, or as Fraser likes to call it, "ethical non-monogamy."

But she doesn't pretend it's easy. The question is put to the 33-year-old — are there issues with jealousy?

"Absolutely!" she says without a moment's hesitation. "Being non-monogamous requires a lot of work. There are people who want to try it out without doing the work, and people end up getting hurt."

The Torontonian — originally from England, raised in Nova Scotia — isn't naive or dogmatic about her lifestyle choice, and freely dishes on the positives and pitfalls of having more than one partner.

"I know families of three, and families of six, and families of 10," says Fraser, who says she and her husband are free to entertain other partners.

"Sometimes we have serious relationships, sometimes we have casual relationships."

Her lifestyle candour will be on display this weekend in Vancouver at "Polycon — Claiming our Right to Love."

It's a convention organized by the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association, and Fraser's keynote speech is entitled Living Honestly and Creating Change....

The group has incorporated a "whatever-works" philosophy - as long as the participants aren't getting hurt, anything goes.

"We believe every adult should create their own relationships," reads the group's website — polyadvocacy.ca. "No loving, life-enhancing possibility is out of bounds.... "Our relationships are custom-made by those in them, without preset roles."...

There's a nice sidebar about Zoe:

Polyamory is tough

Zoe Duff knows a lot about love.

She has to — she has six children, two step-children, four grandkids, and two ex-husbands.

But it doesn't stop there — now she's living in a triad with her current partners, Jayson Hawksworth and Danny Weeds.

"Polyamory is hard work, but I think any type of relationship is hard work," says Duff, who's running this weekend's convention.

"It's wonderful, but it's definitely not for everybody. It works for those who are willing to work at it.... My experience with monogamy and polyamory are completely different. We're forced to communicate or it's not going to work. The honesty has to be two-way."...

iaustin@theprovince.com
twitter.com/ianaustin007

Read the whole article (May 31, 2013). Here's a piccy...

...courtesy Samantha Fraser, in the pic.

Several hundred miles away, the article also appears today on the website of the chain's Calgary Herald.

A version also ran in the city of Victoria's Times-Colonist: Three isn’t a crowd when it’s a comfortable triangle.

Also, local polyactivist Kiki Christie and a partner were on Early Edition on CBC Vancouver Radio this morning. "That went well," she says. Listen here if the link works where you are; forward to 2:01:15.

PolyCon is being put on by the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association (CPAA), which did such a great job of essentially winning the decriminalization of poly relationships in Canada in 2011.

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"Will the bonobos in our midst make monkeys of us all?"

National Post (Canada)

A columnist in Canada's conservative National Post harrumphs that the country's polys will "make monkeys of us all" when they eventually seek group marriage — picking up on an organizer's remark in the paper's recent article about Polycon, the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association's convention coming up this weekend in Vancouver.

Remember, if you don't want it quoted out of context, don't let it come out of your mouth. Speak to the media, in particular hostile media, using the sound bite formula, in which every bit you say can stand by itself. Another pro tip: don't answer the question that was asked, answer the question you wish was asked. Listen to politicians and corporate flacks and you'll hear them doing both these things; that's why they sound so good.

What would the bonobos do?

By Barbara Kay

The author...

Should we be surprised that “polyamorists” — mixed-sex threesomes or foursomes in open “relationships” — have come out of the closet, clamouring for their slice of the matrimonial pie?

This week, the new Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association (CPAA) will be discussing its claims for family legitimacy at its first conference in Vancouver. Zoe Duff, a director of CPAA, says: “As a long-term thing, I can see a desire to have the right to marry.”

...and her opponents.

The law against polygamy was upheld in 2011 by the Supreme Court of Canada, but the Court didn’t put the kibosh on informal sexual arrangements that fell outside its bounds. Now some polyamorists are looking for the glittering prize of legal validation.

I’m no Cassandra. But in 2006 I warned in a column: “Don’t panic … about polygamy … Save your panic for “polyamorous” marriage … Thanks to such ‘advances’ as the recent Supreme Court of Canada’s ‘swingers’ ruling [which legitimated group sex as a for-profit business that did no “harm”], polyamory is acquiring respectability, thus paving the way for public acceptance.”

...In 2010, at Toronto’s “Idea City” conference, I attended a presentation made by a married academic couple, Cacilda Jethá and Christopher Ryan. They were billed as “monogamy mythbusters.” Their research specialty was the mating behaviour of bonobos. These creatures are sexually promiscuous, especially the females, who will couple anytime, anywhere, with any male bonobo except their sons (even primates have taboos, it seems). Bonobos do not pair bond. Sex for bonobos is a social activity, and all the bonobos seem happy.

The presenters made no attempt to disguise their underlying thesis that bonobos have lessons to teach human beings. Specifically: be promiscuous, be happy, be non-violent.

...No, they were not kidding. The presenters made no attempt to disguise their underlying thesis that bonobos have lessons to teach human beings. Specifically: be promiscuous, be happy, be non-violent.

...I admit that I look somewhat smugly forward to the rhetorical cirque de soleil of polyamorists’ eventual Supreme Court challenge. Will the bonobos in our midst make monkeys of us all?

Read the whole article (May 29, 2013), and join the comments.

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" ‘I’m happier when I’m with several people’: Polyamorists prepare for B.C. convention"

National Post (Canada)

A nationwide newspaper in Canada, the conservative National Post, took note of the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association's first PolyCon happening in Vancouver next weekend (May 31 - June 2), and used it as the hook for a Sunday article.

‘I’m happier when I’m with several people’: Polyamorists prepare for B.C. convention

By Joseph Brean

CPAA director Zoe Duff is in a “triad,” as she put it, living with two men for the past five years. They all date other people, but the triad is the core.

When fears about Mormon Fundamentalists taking child brides sparked the British Columbia government to ask for judicial clarity on Canada’s criminal law against polygamy, a group of people in unusually populous romantic relationships intervened in court on behalf of Canada’s polyamorists.

The law was upheld in 2011, but interpreted such that informal adult sexual arrangements fell outside its bounds, and the new Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association welcomed it as more or less a win.

This week in Vancouver, the CPAA hosts its first national conference, an effort to pivot from legal intervention to popular advocacy.

Sessions at Polycon, as it is billed, focus on legal issues, networking, managing jealousy, “poly-feminism,” and a report based on interviews with both new and more experienced attendees of a polyamorous “sauna night” at a Toronto home.

One session describes how to set up a “line family,” described by Richard Gilmore and Elon de Arcana as “a multi-generation poly family that adds new, generally younger, members as the older members pass on or members depart. In this way the family never ends and family investments, businesses and property holdings continue to increase in value. This provides a stable environment and good economic start for children and a secure retirement for older members of the family. While this concept was envisioned by the science fiction writer Robert Heinlein, many of the techniques we discuss are used by the wealthy to grow and maintain dynastic family wealth.”

...But real-life advocacy on a topic so wrapped up in sexual identity politics, to say nothing of the domestic life of children, can be awkward to the point of toxic.

Like other niche communities, judgmentalism and moral superiority abounds among polyamorists, and minor differences are elevated to wedge issues.

That is the subject of one talk, by life coach Samantha Fraser, is how not to be a “Poly Elite Douchenozzle.”

...For example, the term “primary,” for your main relationship(s), is particularly divisive, for the stigma it places on the secondary partner(s).

...Polyamorous relationships are not caught by the law because they are not recognized as legal marriages or conjugal unions. The issue is divisive among polyamorists, however, and as Ms. Duff described it, some could not care less about official sanction, while others would like recognition for practical reasons like health insurance, and some have even held pagan ceremonies of their own.

...“We’ve got a long way to go before people are going to say, ‘Let them get married,’” Ms. Duff said. “I haven’t personally even thought about it, because it’s not an option… As a long term thing, I can see a desire to have the right to marry.”

Read the whole article (May 26, 2013).

Zoe says tickets are almost sold out for PolyCon.

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Advice columns, continued

As promised, here are more advice columnists fielding poly questions that I didn't get to a couple days ago.

Here's a really good one for a change — from dating and relationship coach Colette Kenney in Canada:

Colette Kenney

Dear Colette,

I've been married for 22 years to a wonderful man that loves and cherishes me. I care for him deeply but over the last five years I have noticed myself having a strong interest in other men. Recently, I met a man in an online forum on polyamorous relationships. I had heard about these kinds of relationships and I wanted to learn more. I have to admit I'm having very intense feelings for him. He is also married but is looking for a polyamorous girlfriend. He has no intentions of leaving his wife and family despite wanting another companion and lover. I would really like to get involved with him, but I have so many questions. I wonder: How do you make these kinds of relationships work, without anyone feeling left out or jealous? Is it possible?...

-- Miele

I will admit that because my readership is not necessarily the polyamorous type I was torn about whether or not I should answer your question. But when I reflected on how I would answer it, I realized there are actually some really great points that are good for all kinds of relationships -- poly or otherwise.

So let's begin.

Communication Is Key

For a polyamorous lifestyle to function well, you have to be able to voice your wants, needs and desires effectively to your husband -- about partners you would like to date -- and any future partners he might start dating. The only way for polyamorous partners to survive happily together is to have wide-open lines of communication. And to do this well, you will require an absolute, total, and complete understanding of yourself and why you want to engage in this kind of relationship. If this is news to your husband, he is not likely to be very receptive to the idea at first.

The onus will be on you to remain calm in the face of any possible attacks on you, your character, and your desires. You will need to be patient and understanding with him as he comes to terms with your request. You will need to check your ego at the door any time you enter into a discussion with him about this subject. And hopefully, for you he will come around and see the value that you see in entering into this kind of relationship. But, (and this is a big but) be prepared that he might not go along with it. Because if this happens, you'll have a very important decision to make.

Polyamorous or Otherwise -- Communication is Key

Checking your ego at the door when discussing tough topics is mandatory. Opening your heart and mind to having compassion about your partner's point of view is imperative... Affect labeling (the professional term for one of the MOST important skills two partners could ever have) is the quickest way to help your partner feel heard, understood, respected, and cared for....


Honesty Is Key

As I said above, knowing yourself incredibly well is key, not only in discussions that you have with your husband, but also in discussions with any future partners. With polyamorous relationships there are certain to be a number of rules that you and your partners will have about how to engage with each other, when, where, in the presence of whom, and how often. To avoid hurt feelings, bruised egos and the like, you will want to be sure that you think of all the possible scenarios that might come up, and what you will do to handle them.

For polyamory to work well it's best if you can get an emotional buy in (not just lip service) from all parties to all rules. And rules should be explicit, clear and well understood by everyone.

Polyamorous or Otherwise -- Honesty is Key

And to be 100 per cent honest, you have to be once again 100 per cent clear about yourself and your inner world....

Forgiveness is Key

Relationships are work when you have only one partner. Add additional partners to the mix and this work is multiplied. There is more chance for buttons to be pushed, triggers to be set off, and yes, egos to be bruised. To engage in this lifestyle happily, and to do it well, it will take a tremendous amount of forgiveness of yourself and every single one of your partners -- because it is as likely that you will do and say things you're not proud of -- as it is that one of your partners does and says something he or she is not proud of....

Polyamorous or Otherwise -- Forgiveness is Key....

I commend anyone who successfully navigates these kinds of relationships....

Here's the whole article, from Huffington Post/ Living/ Canada (July 17, 2012).

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Ask Amy advises a soon-to-be daughter-in-law to butt out of saving her future in-laws' collapsing poly-mono marriage:

Amy Dickinson

DEAR AMY: My fiancee’s parents announced this weekend that they are separating. Or, as my fiancee puts it, her mother is leaving and breaking her father’s heart.

The husband’s philosophy is that he can’t limit himself to being with one person. He enjoys a polyamorous lifestyle where he has a steady wife and various girlfriends.

The husband talked the wife into accepting the poly lifestyle, and because she is a people-pleaser, she gave it a good-faith effort for several years.

The wife found the husband’s lifestyle increasingly difficult to cope with. She would like to return to a monogamous lifestyle where she doesn’t need to compete with other women or feel jealous of his time.... However, I don’t think she communicates this clearly to him....

—Concerned Fiance

DEAR CONCERNED: This couple’s “poly” lifestyle apparently has extended to you, and now me. Because here we are, sharing their private sexual history, interpreting their actions and contemplating choices that only this couple can make on their own behalf. Simply put: It is not your business to fix your future in-laws’ marriage.

If this husband comes to you, saying, “What can I do to get my wife back?” you should definitely tell him what you think. If your fiancee (or her mother) asks you to join them in a family meeting to discuss this situation, as a future family member, you should do so.

Otherwise, unless you are a trained marriage counselor and want to take them on as clients, you should let this family work it out. Offer emotional support to each family member, and do your best not to take sides.

Whole column (Dec. 14, 2012)

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This may be the post where Salon's advice columnist Cary Tennis finally got onboard about poly relationships:

Cary Tennis

Dear Cary,

I am very happily married and I love my husband with every fiber of my being. He is the most loving, brilliant, courageous man I’ve ever known. We love to do things together and we always make our decisions with one another’s best interest at heart. When I am with him, I am always happy.

I don’t live with my husband. I live with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend is also incredibly wonderful.... We three have been happy living like this for quite a long time now, and we have a comfortable dynamic with lots of respect for one another. In fact, I can’t believe my luck, that I have such a good life surrounded by kind and wonderful people. However, this is going to end soon, and I’m really upset about it.

My boyfriend has a fiancée to whom he has been betrothed for nearly seven years. She lives in another country, and yet she manages to make my boyfriend’s life very difficult. She hacks his emails and changes all the passwords, she calls up his supervisors at work and complains about him, she is rude to his parents, and she is intensely jealous of other women spending time with him. She does not know that I live with him. She is also expecting to marry him later this year. My boyfriend is too afraid to break things off with her... and [he says] that he will probably divorce her. I am afraid that if he is too scared not to marry her, he will also be too scared to divorce her.

This is the real truth: If my boyfriend were going to get married to somebody who really loved him and treated him with kindness and respect, I would not be upset. However, I know that the minute he marries his fiancée, I will probably never be able to see him again, not even socially, and it is killing me inside.... He might be a coward, but he’s my coward. Not everyone can be a paragon of masculine bravery like my husband (who is constantly ranting that my boyfriend needs to “grow a pair” and get rid of his fiancée).

What should I do?....

—A Poly with a Big Heart

Dear Poly,

What I see is a group in which one person has a destructive attachment outside the group.

The simple, obvious solution to preserve the group is for him to sever that attachment. But he is unwilling to do that.... You are the only one of the three who only loses and does not gain anything.... It seems all the sadder because you seem to have waltzed into this perfect, uncanny balance. Plus, frankly, it seems like a stupid move for your boyfriend.

So perhaps there is more to it. Perhaps he is not telling you everything. Is it possible that he actually wants a monogamous relationship but has been afraid to say so, or has felt that his longing for a more traditional relationship represents a failure of his own vision or nerve?.... Perhaps his apparent passivity is not only spinelessness but also calculation....

...I suggest that you reach out to the polyamory community for support and guidance.... And also find a therapist experienced in relationships such as yours who can help you clarify your options as a group.

Read the whole column (Jan. 24, 2012).

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And in the militantly hostile department, remember Dr. Karen Ruskin?

Karen Ruskin

No, the answer is NO – DO NOT, I repeat in capital letters: DO NOT have any additional partner/person in your marriage.

Threesomes, swinging, polyamory, any inclusion of any one in addition to your spouse as a sexual partner in your marriage–the answer is no, do not do it! Through my 18 years of providing couples counseling, with consistency couples who report they decided to have some form of open relationship rather than a monogamous relationship have ended up in an awful mental place and have destroyed their marriage.

Whole article (Oct. 7, 2011). Of course a couples counselor only sees couples in trouble. Duhh. Another dumb therapist who was gazing out the window in statistics class when they taught about sampling basis.

Goddess of Java, the decade-plus goddess of the Polyfamilies Yahoo Group, responded to her article,

Gosh, in my nearly 22 years of marriage we had some trouble, honest no kidding. We even considered breaking up.

Stopping the poly didn’t cure it. GROWING THE FUCK UP AND LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE sure as shit did.

We’re still poly, we’re happy, and we have a relationship that works and makes us happy. Sorry if that doesn’t work for you, but hey, we’re not dating you.

(Remember y’all — Be a credit to your kink if you’re gonna reply directly. You’re the Face of Poly.)

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My third and last post in this series will be on actual poly advice columns, by people who live the lives they're talking about. Stay tuned.

"Can't Relate," from the always adorable Kimchi Cuddles (used by permission).

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